Holiday Un-Shopping Guide

Everyone is making a Gift Guide so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon... but just going in the other direction. Everyone has an opinion on the perfect gift. Here is a list of stuff to avoid. So here it is:



1. Clothing



Like Jim Gaffigan said, whenever a person opens a gift and it's clothing, the response is usually, "Not even close."

Unless you were with the person and they expressed interest in the item, avoid buying clothing. Plus, if you get the size wrong, you look like an insensitive asshole.... "I'm sorry. I just assumed you were a 5XL. Wasn't aware you were just a 4XL."

And please no shirts from a place you went on vacation... No one wants a reminder that you went someplace great and they didn't.

2. iPods, MP3 Players, etc.



Unless the person your buying this for has computer experience, stay away.

I've learned that for the most part, people who receive gifts like this just assume that in addition to the gift you are also there to provide customer service and installation.

And guess who they call if it messes up? Unless you want to spend all Christmas morning downloading iTunes on your mom's 5 year old computer (which barely has enough ram to launch Microsoft Paint) go with something else.

3. Anything from Bath & Body Works



First off, the stuff is way overpriced.

Second, does anything scream "I don't know you very well but your a girl and I have to buy you a gift" more than something from Bath & Body Works? It's become the generic go to gift for women and it's kinda sad. Just look at all the poor schmucks who have no idea what to get their wives or girlfriends frantically buying overpriced lotion that smells like lilac or freesia (WTF is freesia, by the way?) on Christmas Eve.

God forbid you have to do a little detective work and find a gift the woman actually wants. Unless she's smelly, go to the jewelry store.

4. Anything from a Mall Kiosk



Ahhhhhh. The shanty towns of any mall.... the kiosk. Knock-off Sunglasses, shitty cell phone holders, and little toy cars that break as soon as the kid opens it.

You don't buy dinner from 7-11 and you don't buy a gift from a kiosk. Seriously, there are real stores right behind you.

Plus, have you ever tried to return something to a kiosk.... good fucking luck.

The only purpose kiosks serve are as a median between mall traffic.

5. Movies



Granted, a DVD is way better than some of the other stuff listed above but is anything more impersonal than a DVD?

Generally, if a person really wanted a movie that bad, they probably have already bought it the day it came out. And second, with movies releasing 8 thousand different versions, which one do you buy (Platinum Edition, Special Edition, Director's Cut, Blu-Ray, etc. etc.)??

A friend of mine still has the FULL SCREEN version of the Matrix in the packaging at his house. Poor Grandma had no concept of the idea of WIDESCREEN and also didn't know that he actually hated that movie. She just heard it was popular.

Unless the movie has some sentimental reason or is an inside joke of sorts, give a gift card.

Exceptions to this rule include Television Series on DVD.


So there you have it.... My Non-Gift Guide. Most gift-giving gaffes can be avoided if you just keep your ears open.

Everyone have a safe and happy holiday and remember: Shopping is stressful but working retail during the Holiday Season is the third circle of hell. Treat employees nicely and be patient... Unless your at Abercrombie or Hollister. Those kid's are just fucking morons who can't do math even with a cash register.